Bonehead Lawsuit and Other Signs of the Looming Apocalypse

It’s becoming harder to know just what we should be worried about. Each day, it seems, we’re presented with an event some believe will either crush the economy, endanger our health or turn us into full-throated vegetarians.

In December, for instance, we learned about an enterprising young man who lost about $32 Billion in a matter of days. Sam Bankman-Fried, now known as the notorious former CEO of crypto exchange FTX, was arrested by the Feds and charged with a laundry list of crimes that included wire fraud and money laundering.

I’m not sure which is more dizzying, attempting to understand cryptocurrency, a digital currency, which is an alternative form of payment created using encryption algorithms, or the fact Bankman-Fried coaxed people to invest billions in his… ummm…. enterprise. And if that doesn’t make your spurs rattle, consider that Bankman-Fried allegedly directed tens of millions of dollars to be sent illegally to BOTH the Democratic and Republican election committees. Maybe those donations fall under the CYA category.

Before we move on from the crypto world, there’s news that German and US authorities, supported by Europol, are investigating ChipMixer, an unlicensed cryptocurrency mixer that is apparently a major player in the cybercriminal world. Before this morning, I couldn’t have distinguished between Chex Mix and ChipMixer, but that’s where we are.

The Department of Justice called ChipMixer a “darknet cryptocurrency ‘mixing’ service responsible for laundering more than $3 billion worth of cryptocurrency” to support their activities of “ransomware, darknet market, fraud, cryptocurrency heists and other hacking schemes.” The DOJ seized two domains and more than $46 million in cryptocurrency.

The crime, according to the DOJ, was that ChipMixer specialized in mixing or cutting trails of virtual currency assets. ChipMixer’s software blocked the blockchain trail of funds, making it attractive for cybercriminals seeking to launder illegal proceeds from criminal activities such as drugs or ransomware attacks.

Tales of these modern cybercriminals makes one long for simpler times when we could just make fun of folks for making a public display of their stupidity. Wait…we still have plenty of instances of old-fashioned dimwitted decisions.

First, I call your attention to Van Leeuwen’s new Hidden Valley Ranch ice cream. Yep, they have mixed the flavor of ranch dressing with ice cream. Most of us probably like ranch dressing and ice cream, but together?

Van Leeuwens is banking on the idea some folks will like this mixture (the ingredients include onion powder and garlic powder) and a press release encourages customers to “top your scoops with crushed pretzels or potato chips for a perfect salty crunch.” Your cholesterol be damned, I suppose.

But the prize for most boneheaded activity of the week – and a clear sign that the apocalypse may be closer than we think – is a new lawsuit targeting Buffalo Wild Wings, the popular casual dining restaurant and bar with nearly 1,300 locations.

A Chicago man sued the restaurant chain last week for false advertising, claiming the boneless wings are overpriced since they are just “slices of chicken breast meat deep-fried like wings,” and that diners would either pay less for the boneless wings or not purchase them at all if they knew what the product was made of.

Never mind that this Chicago man is apparently the only one in America unable to deduce that these diced, batter-fried morsels of yard bird are, in fact, not wings. His clever lawyer submitted to the court: “This clear-cut case of false advertising should not be permitted, as consumers should be able to rely on the plain meaning of a product’s name and receive what they are promised."

Not to be outdone, Buffalo Wild Wings has cleverly responded.

"It’s true," the restaurant chain tweeted on Monday. "Our boneless wings are all white meat chicken. Our hamburgers contain no ham. Our buffalo wings are 0% buffalo."

It’s true.
Our boneless wings are all white meat chicken.
Our hamburgers contain no ham.
Our buffalo wings are 0% buffalo. — Buffalo Wild Wings (@BWWings) March 13, 2023