Most people in agriculture have a “sorting pen” story or have seen a meme about working cattle with family and the challenges it can bring. However, these scenarios also offer opportunities to grow.
When a person or a family recognizes the way they’re doing things isn’t working and want to make changes in how they communicate or deal with emotions, it starts with acknowledging the issue.
“If you know things aren’t going how you would like them to go or you want them to go differently, the first step is awareness,” says Terryn Drieling, a Nebraska rancher who shares about the importance of mental health awareness in agriculture through her website, podcast and social media.
The next step is reflecting on conversations that you’re a part of and how you actually feel.
“Your body is really smart, and it remembers a lot of things that your brain doesn’t, and so it there’s sensations in your body that will clue you into what’s going on,” she explains. “So just double down on that awareness. Then ask honest questions.”
Drieling defines an honest question as one you don’t know the answer to yet.
“An honest question can be yes or no, but if you ask an open-ended honest question, you’re going to get more information to help you move forward,” she explains. “Honest questions don’t just apply to you asking them of other people, they also apply to yourself.”
A related ranching scenario could include one generation owns the ranch and the second has gone to school, is ready to come back and implement new ideas.
“Mom and Dad maybe aren’t excited about it, but if both parties are asking honest questions about the different ideas, they’re going to learn so much about why mom and dad don’t want to implement something new,” Drieling explains. “Maybe it’ll make a lot of sense to the kids coming back, or mom and dad will learn that more about this new idea and decide to try it.”
Honest questions allow both parties to hear their own answers.
“You have to hear your own answer and we receive what comes out of our mouth better than if someone would tell us the same thing,” Drieling says. “That can also be helpful. You learn something from yourself and others in the process of asking honest questions.”
If the sorting pen has gotten stressful, asking honest questions later can help create better outcomes the next time, she adds.
- What could we do differently next time to prevent that from happening?
- How did you envision that going or what was the outcome that you were hoping for in that situation?
- What expectations do we want to have for this project in the future?
“It’s really important to make sure that you take a deep breath before you ask an honest question, especially after a stressful situation, and that you yourself are regulated and not angry,” she says. “It’s also okay to say I am genuinely curious, and I want our experience next time to be better, and that’s why I’m asking these questions. And honestly, sometimes people are so not used to having curious, honest questions asked that it’ll take them off guard and they’ll be a little bit defensive.”
Drieling suggests people start asking honest questions when the stakes are low. For example, if you’re driving through the cows together, take the time to get curious.
Some honest questions include: How did you get into this? What made you want to do this? Where did you learn all that you learned about it?
“Ask those questions ahead of time, so they’re used to you asking questions before you need to use them in the heat of the moment,” she adds.
At the core, humans want to be seen, known and heard, and that their experience is validated. The first thing Drieling wants people to understand about validation is what it isn’t.
“I think sometimes there’s this misconception that if you validate someone and their feelings and see them and recognize what they’re feeling or what they’re going through, that you agree with them. And that is absolutely not true,” she explains. “You can validate someone and completely 100% disagree with what they’re feeling or how they’re behaving. That’s not what validation is. Validation is just a recognition of what is happening with the other person.”
Drieling uses the analogy of working with mama cows during calving season. If you have one that has its head up, and it’s very watchy, that cow is being protective and showing how they feel about getting too close.
“Validation is seeing that cow and taking a step back and letting her know, ‘I see you,’” she says. “I see you don’t want me to come any closer, so I’m going to take a step back. You know you’re not going to hurt her calf, but she doesn’t know that, so you don’t maybe agree with how she’s acting, but you see it, and you’re letting her know you see it.”
Validation is seeing and hearing someone else’s side of the story, but you don’t have to fix it.
“An important piece of being able to validate others is being able to validate ourselves in what we’re feeling,” she adds. “If you’re having a hard time validating other people, maybe look back and start with yourself. Oh, I’m feeling angry. I can see that I am feeling that way, and it’s okay. You don’t even have to agree with yourself about what you’re angry about.”
Another concern Drieling has about those in agriculture is the competition of how hard people work and how many days they don’t take off.
“That’s not good in the long term. That’s not sustainable,” she says.
Just like regularly changing the oil in a truck or tractor helps it runs well and the engine doesn’t lock up, Drieling says regular maintenance is important for humans.
“Maybe nothing major is going on right now, but you can still check in and talk to someone,” she says. “I think sometimes we are so used to separating everything out that we don’t realize that everything works together as far as mental, emotional and physical health.”
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